What if a man was color blind, and his wife told him to go
get her uniform shirt every morning. And he would do it, whether because he
wants to help her get ready for work quickly or because he just always does
what his wife asks him to do.
What if she then proceeded to cuss him out, call him stupid,
talk about how any normal person could tell a pink shirt from a green shirt, and
then he reminded her that he’s color
blind, not normal-sighted. And she said that was just a lame excuse, he should
either try harder, or pray that God would fix his eyes so he could tell the
difference between green and pink like normal people do. Every. Wretched. Week.
And instead of just accepting that her husband has a
different way of processing color, she accused him of not loving her, of
wanting her to lose her job due to wearing the wrong shirt. What if she threw
it in his face as a sign that he doesn’t respect her, doesn’t care about her
job performance, or was too stupid to understand that it matters what shirt she
wears. Would he just ask her to either get her own shirts from the closet, or
mindfully put them in order when she hangs them up so he would know that the
shirt on the left was the one she needed that morning? Or would he think that
meant his wife cares more about what her boss thinks of her than she does about
his struggle with color-blindness? Would he feel loved, respected, cared for,
empathized with--or hurt and confused and desperate for help?
What if it wasn’t just the shirt thing, but every person he worked
with all day long asking him to get something of a certain color for them, and
then treating him like an untouchable pariah who isn’t worth being friends with
when he tried his damnedest but still guessed wrong—because he can’t tell red
from blue or pink from purple? What if people used their shirt color to
indicate how they were feeling, or what their social status or rank at work or
whatever it is? What if the way he interacted with people depended on what
shirt color they were wearing—and he were color blind and didn’t know what
color their shirt was without asking somebody who understood that he is color
blind and loves him anyway? Do you think it might throw a whole bucket of bolts into his social, work, and
other relationships? Do you think he might get in trouble because he didn’t
realize that the person he just met was someone he’s supposed to defer to,
because the shirt color is supposed to say this is a person in authority, in
charge, and must be obeyed or he will lose his job or have to pay a fine or get
beaten or go to jail or something?
What if he were put in charge of a project and some days he has
to do it alone, and on other days random people are assigned to help him. Now
suppose the crew assigned to work with him on any random day expected detailed
instructions from him, so they wouldn’t do anything job-related without his
direction. He doesn’t know ahead of time if he’s supposed to have help that
day. He’s just expected to notice them there on the floor, and tell them what
to do. They aren’t color blind, so they can see that his shirt color indicates
that he is supposed to instruct them regarding their duties for the day. They
aren’t going to seek him out and ask what to do; they’d much rather laze around
shooting the breeze. They are wearing shirts whose color would tell a normal
person that they need direction and orders from him. But he never told them
what to do, because he can’t tell what shirt color they’re wearing. So his project
never makes enough progress, and it’s all his fault—just because he’s color-blind.
And there’s a STIGMA attached to color-blindness, so instead of helping to
cover for his weakness, people just treat him like a horrible rotten
unacceptable freak.
What if it isn’t the husband that has this problem, it’s his
wife—whom he promised to love unconditionally, to help and comfort and support,
for better or for worse. Should he come alongside her and fill in the gaps so
she makes those mistakes as infrequently as possible? Should he harp on her for
being wrong every time she tries to guess a color from shades of gray? Should
he accuse her of all kinds of wrong-doing (like disrespect, lack of love,
wilful ignorance, deliberate flouting of societal norms) and call her vile
names? What if he tells her continually that if she just tries harder she can
learn the difference between the tone of gray that blue looks like to her and
the tone of gray that red looks like to her, it’s a no brainer, any three year
old can tell red from blue? Should he tell her to just pray that God will heal her
eyes so she will be normal instead of color-blind? What if she doesn’t have
enough faith that God will do that for her? What if the answer to her prayers
for healing is “My grace is sufficient for you. I made you this way, and I will
help you through it?” What if every time he is frustrated, disappointed, sad
for her or angry at her for making one of these vital color mistakes, he scolds
her for it as if it were something she’d chosen to do because she’s just a
selfish witch? Would that damage her sense of assurance of his unconditional
love?
Autism and Asperger’s are real physiological, neurological
differences in the human brain—your Aspie wife needs to be understood. She needs
to be accepted. If you can’t do that—if you think it’s a character flaw or a
mental disorder that the right expensive therapy can cure, it would have been
nice to know that before tying the knot—before she started to rely on you.
If you can’t understand and accept the fact that this is how her brain was
created, and it isn’t something that is going to miraculously change, don’t
tell her you love her. Her definition of love might include accepting the
reality of the people you love, their flaws and their needs. It probably also
includes the determination to help them. Asking an NT to try to empathize with
his Aspie partner is no different than neurotypicals insisting that Aspies should
learn to show empathy the NT way. It should be easier. NT’s supposedly
empathize intuitively—Aspies need to learn to do it in a way that seems normal
and obvious to everyone else. Her brain doesn’t process social data the way yours does, and she needs
you to extend some empathy, some comfort and some assurance that you are at
least willing to try to understand, to keep her from emotionally hurting—maybe even
from having a public meltdown. If there’s anything AsperDragonLady can do to keep him from
emotionally hurting, she needs to be told about it. Please don’t expect her to intuitively
know. An Aspie can usually tell if someone is hurting. Knowing why, or how (emotional? physical? mental anguish? spiritual agony?), or what to do about it--not so much. Many people on the spectrum will also assume blame for that hurt, and feel it as if it is their own. Please be gentle with your feels. We both feel them.
I loved the way you have put that whole analogy. I will see if I can find books/things people have written to show "nuro-typical" people what it is you are going through :)
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