It is not always apparent who in your life is autistic! We're not all Rain Man Raymond Babbitt. We don't all rock, or flap our hands, or talk incessantly, or refuse to speak at all. Some of us learned to speak early, and some very late. Some have savant skills--others don't. Autistics are not all boys, not all children, not all in special education, not all on meds, not all institutionalized. Not even all officially diagnosed. Some have high enough IQ's to have learned enough social skills to blend in--but are still hurt when others reject us for acting weird. When we accidentally hurt your feelings--not realizing or understanding how it happened--we might not know how to make emotional repairs so the friendship can be reconciled. Autistic people come in all ages, all skin colors, all social classes, all family types. Be aware. But don't just be aware; learn to accept!
Aspies and Autistics come in the full range of intelligence, talents and abilities. "Autistic" is not the same thing as "retarded" or "stupid." Please, learn the difference between autistic and retarded. "Retarded" has "low IQ" as part of the definition. People on the Autism Spectrum have a full range of IQ scores, from profoundly retarded autistics who need help with their everyday life functions to geniuses with IQ's around 150 and even higher. Awareness, all by itself, is not enough. Simply being aware includes recognizing dangers that need to be avoided--but autistic people should not be treated as dangerous things to be avoided! No matter how much it may seem that we want to be left alone, Aspies can be hurt by avoidance and rejection. Acceptance, on the other hand, means you understand that there are differences, and the differences are okay. Not bad things that need to be fixed and changed, just unusual things that might mean we both need to adapt and develop coping skills. You (and most of society) are probably just as confusing to that autistic person who drives you crazy as s/he is to you. But for the autistic, every neurotypical person we meet is a struggle to comprehend.
I don't know that I have Asperger's; I haven't been officially diagnosed. But I do score 141 on the Asperger scales, and around 145 on IQ tests. Autistics are not retarded. I can hide my autistic traits most of the time, because my IQ is close to my Asperger's score on the assessment scales. Both pretty high. But if I make faces that don't seem to fit the feelings of the moment--if you're having a lively discussion with a group of people and I look overwhelmed and scared--if I'm hugging the walls of a crowded room instead of forging my way into the middle and getting involved--this is why. What is often misunderstood as lack of empathy in autistic people may actually be our inability to predict what neurotypical people are most likely to do in a given situation. It's always a mystery, a question, a guessing game. When I guess wrong, I don't know how to adjust quickly. If I guessed it would be okay, and what I get looks like a negative response, I often appear angry or frightened, or I might even just "blank out." What I really am is simply confused beyond the ability to take further action. I think it's due to sensory overload; if there are too many variables in human interaction, I get too overwhelmed to cope with people. ALL people seem spontaneous, unpredictable and capricious to me. Please understand, it isn't because there's something wrong with you, nor does it mean that I don't like you, nor even that I'm trying to control or manipulate you. Try not to take it personally. Just be gentle. I can be like a scared rabbit who just spotted the hounds. But if you'll take just a few seconds to comfort or reassure me, I might get crazy happy and talk your ear off. But I need you to help me to feel like I can trust you.
But if you've hurt me more than a few times--it's hard for me to forget. I don't understand what I did wrong, and I'm afraid I might do it again. Be patient. Be kind. Be loving. I have a lot of love and loyalty I'm ready to give to people who prove they don't want to hurt me for being weird. Weird people can be fun and interesting too. Not dangerous. Just different.
People who think that neurological differences and retardation are the same might be, though. These are the ones who demand that we perform in a way that is natural for everyone else, but decidedly abnormal for an autistic person. That think we need to be controlled, medicated, even institutionalized so that our differences won't disturb the rest of society. But we can learn to cope and to adapt, if people will just take the time and effort to codify neurotypical behavior for us. The unspoken interactions of society are learned instinctively by NT's. Autistic people need them spelled out, explained and reinforced. I'm sure it's frustrating to have to figure out a way to teach things that you learned simply by observing and participating in human interaction. But it is possible to define these "no-brainers" and make a sort of a rule-book for Aspies in the NT world. We just need a little help, a little coaching, a little tutoring, a little training, and most likely a lot of patience. We do learn best by repetition.
